Robby Gordon has no place in the Dakar

Long-time readers of my blog might recall that I have an axe to grind with Robby Gordon, especially when it comes to his participation in the Dakar Rally. Let me explain. I've deeply enjoyed watching and attending the Dakar since I was a kid. I love the camaraderie of the racers, the mix of bikes, trucks, quads and cars, and the general demeanour of the teams and personalities that this event attracts.
For the uninitiated, it's a 14-day, 5,300 mile rally that used to run from Paris to Dakar, but is now run in South America retaining only the 'Dakar' name. It's a severe test of drivers and machines, there are regularly deaths and injuries and it's not unusual to see less than 40% of the initial entrants finish. It's difficult and dangerous and everyone looks out for everyone else.
Then Robby Gordon came along with his peculiar brand of arrogant, boorishness, somehow thinking he was entitled to win because he'd taken part in some silly little "desert" race in California. His attitude is completely wrong, for a start. He treats the Dakar like his own personal playground and you can tell all you need to know about him from the very first day of the rally. Where all the other competitors drive up the start ramp, get out of the car, greet the crowd, do press interviews and are generally pleasant to the press and public, Gordon prefers to jump the ramp through the start gate, perform a doughnut and then drive off in a royal "f*ck you" to everyone there. That's just the start of it.
Last year he was caught cheating, and whenever he has a bad day, he has the mother of all tantrums. Most of the racers take bad days in their stride. Gordon prefers to nearly give his co-drivers concussion by throwing helmets, punching things and driving like a dick. It's like watching a 5-year-old being deprived of their blanket:

I'm sorry but that's not the behaviour of a grown adult. That's the behaviour of a spoiled, entitled brat who isn't getting his way.
He's full of hostility and very obvious disdain for anyone not on his team, and has no sense of team spirit or the camaraderie required for serious off-road racing.
Two years ago he bitched and whined when his team driver flew past him while he was stranded on the side of the road, saying that they should be working as a "team" and that he should have stopped. Last year, when the opposite happened, he abandoned Nasser Al Attiyah in the middle of the desert. Apparently Robby Gordon's idea of "team work" is "everyone must help me". No surprise then that his team, co-drivers and team-mates change every year. Nobody will do more than one rally with him.
He's impatient and dangerous when he's driving, forcing other vehicles out of the tracks into brush and rocks as if he was redneck racing in NASCAR. Last year he damn near killed one of the motorcyclists when he knocked him off his bike because he was (to quote Gordon) "in his way". Overall he's actually a terrible, terrible driver. This year is the fifth time he's tried the Dakar. He's failed spectacularly three times and been disqualified for cheating once. This year he beached his car on the only sand dune of the day on the 8 mile first day stage. Then he broke his gearbox trying to get it off. The second day he beached it again and needed a tow. The fourth day he turned it over and lost 4 hours, whining and complaining that "the dune wasn't marked on the map" when everyone else was flying past his wreck on the same route without any issue.
He talked crap about the Mini team last year and again this year saying "minis are for girls" but oddly, because the Mini team have talented drivers, they're handing Gordon his ass on a plate (as usual). Finally he talks smack about the other drivers ("Nasser is full of shit", "Peterhansel is a whiny bitch") as if that's somehow going to endear him to the other teams, organisers and spectators (note: it doesn't).
So please excuse me if you see me cheering and clapping when I see his stupid orange Hummer upside down in the desert, or beached, or sitting in a rocky gully. He's destroying the Dakar, he has no place in this event, and frankly the sooner he realises that and gives up on it, the better off motorsports fan will be.

Confirming my dislike of 'auto everything'

A few weeks ago I was in Switzerland on business and got to drive an Open Insignia that had auto-everything. Auto lights, auto wipers, power tailgate, three different driving modes that it automatically chose between. It was awful. The power tailgate was pointless, but all the added gear to make it work made it a really heavy tailgate to close manually. I had to fight the power mechanism to close it - compared to the amount of effort required to close a normal tailgate, this was extreme and I imagine all but the burliest drivers wouldn't be able to do it.
The auto lights were the typical nightmare you'd expect. The 'off' position didn't turn them off but put them on auto. The 'auto' position put them on 'auto' (why have an 'off' in that case?). The low-beam setting put them on auto-low-beam and the 'on' setting put them on auto. (Actually - because every setting was 'auto' the whole light switch seems pointless now I think about it). They'd blink on and off every time I drove into shadow or into a tunnel, and because they were HID lights, they'd auto-level every time they came on. So going into a tunnel, they'd flick on, and auto-level, which included a process of driving the reflector to its full extent both ways. ie. every time the lights came on it looked like I was flashing the people coming the other way. On off on off on off. It drove me crazy.
The auto wipers were particularly useless in snow. They didn't detect the snow, they didn't detect water already on the windshield, and they didn't detect water running down the windshield. Only direct splashing from actual rain would cause them to come on. Then it was a moving goalpost of sensitivity between them either not being on when you needed them, or wiping so much when they weren't needed that it baked winter crud on to the windshield, requiring a manual wash/wipe cycle. That of course resulted in water running down the glass after the wipers parked - something the sensor couldn't pick up - so then I had to run them manually. As with the lights, there wasn't a "normal" mode for the wipers.
The three driving maps were set to European, Lazy American, and Fat Lazy American. (I guess GM had the say on this). In default mode (Lazy American), the steering had a good 5 degrees of play in it before the wheels turned. The throttle was connected to the engine via a call centre in India, and the suspension was like a foam mattress. In 'tour' mode (Fat Lazy American) it took all those settings and backed them off even further. 10 degrees slop in the steering, no feel from the suspension, and a throttle that had a mind of its own. Randomly the car would choose between these two modes based on some dark logic that I could never figure out. The only even faintly usable mode was 'sport' which was as close to 'normal' as I could find. Decent throttle response, engine braking when going downhill, tight shift points in the gearbox and actual suspension and brakes. Of course there was no way to default the car to this mode and it would never choose this mode on its own.
One other bizarre thing: the buttons to lock and unlock the doors were located on the top of the centre console just under the GPS screen. It took me a good three days to find them because that's not a logical location to put door unlocks. (The doors themselves would seem like a much better idea, but then I don't work for GM).
The fundamental vehicle itself wasn't "bad", but it was inundated with so much pointless tech that it became a bad car because of it. The only vaguely useful 'feature' in the whole car was the auto-dimming mirrors.

Is there a Santa Claus?

Ok so this post isn't especially relevant to cars and motoring but Santa does use a vehicle, so that counts, right? So I ask - is there really a Santa Claus?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2.5 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. But, since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average census rate of 3.5 children per household the world over, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different timezones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course we know to be false, but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at around 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For the purpose of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying a minimum of 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull ten times that amount, we cannot do the job with eight or even nine. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is four times the weight of the QE2.
5) 353,400 tons travelling at 650 miles per second causes enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths' atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously and vaporise, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms. This would wake people up, and the reindeer team would be reduced to ashes in a mere 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to combined forces some 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 pound Santa (which, lets be honest, seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds-per-square-foot of force.
In conclusion - if Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's long dead.

Did you buy a car for Christmas?

It's been a decade since I lived in England, so I don't know if they have the same sort of TV ads over there when approaching Christmas as we do here in the US. Specifically, the "buy your loved one a car for Christmas" ads. Most of the luxury brands do it. Mercedes, Jaguar, Lexus, Porsche - all seem to think that a car would be an ideal last-minute gift. Jaguar have their "Unwrap A Jaguar" event. Come in now and from only $70,495 you can make your partner faint with happiness come Christmas morning.
Mercedes, meanwhile, suggest in their annual "Winter Event" that perhaps $105,000 is a more reasonable sum to spend on a car. Unless you're interested in their AMG machines, in which case you won't have any problem spending a little extra. And it all comes with the low low financing rate of 1.9% too. What a bargain.
If Lexus is a little more your speed, you're in luck. Over there you can splurge on cars for the entire family with everything from the super cheap IS at $35,000 (for the kids) all the way up to $375,000 LFA (for Dad, apparently).
Is it just me, or does this seem ludicrously out-of-place for Christmas. Ok I know it's been overtaken by commercialism, but do people really buy cars for presents?
Anyway - Merry Christmas everyone. Now stop reading this silly internet blog and go and drink some mulled wine and eat some mince pies.

Continuous flow intersections : Mental.

Let me introduce you to Continuous Flow Intersections. Watch this, then read on: Does that seem in any way simple or clean to you? The fact that UDOT needed to make a video to try to teach drivers what the this abomination is should tell you that this is not a simple intersection. They started putting them in around here about 2 years ago and since then, the number of people driving on the wrong side of the road because of these things has skyrocketed. Accident rates have soared, congestion has reached record levels at these intersections and confusion reigns supreme. They spent millions introducing them, and shut down the roads for close to a year to get them built. And why? There's a much simpler intersection that solves their "conflict points" problem. Ladies and gentlemen: the roundabout. I guess the problem is that roundabouts are simply too logical, too simple, too efficient. Better to waste millions and create an accident nightmare eh? Plus, watching Americans trying to negotiate a roundabout is an entertaining and embarrassing representation of the human ignorance about an intersection that does not require you to stop but does require you to yield. It seems to cause some sort of severe psychological disorder since it is neither green nor red, but requires them to steer and calculate approaching distances of their own vehicles and the others on the road at the same time.
Anyway, I won't go near these continuous flow things any more - they're too dangerous. I've seen trucks end up on the wrong side of the road, I've seen people shooting red lights and causing huge accidents (because the location of the lights means the relative speeds involved in head-on collisions is much greater than it is at a normal intersection). There have been numerous reports of pedestrians struck by cars because they forget they have to look the wrong way to cross the first lane of the intersection.
Continuous flow intersections are a nightmare clearly designed by a committee of non-road-users.

Guest post : Winter Driving Advice

Even the best drivers in the best conditions are at risk when on the road, simply because you cannot control the other motorists around you. The risks of driving increase tenfold in the wintertime, with slick roads, worse visibility through snow and fog, and reduced sunlight in the morning and evening hours complicating your travel. Properly preparing your vehicle for cold weather driving and educating yourself on safe winter driving techniques can do more than save you money on repairs and insurance: it can save your life.
Check your Vehicle
Routine vehicle checklists are important in warmer months, but a failure in winter can compound the already dangerous conditions. Clean and polish your headlights to ensure proper night vision, and keep your battery fully charged so you don’t find yourself stranded and freezing. Clean your windshield and wiper blades, check your tire pressure, and refresh your fluids, including windshield wiper fluid, oil, and antifreeze. Consider filling out an emergency bag to keep in your trunk stocked with supplies such as non-perishable food, a flashlight, a shovel, and a first aid kid.
Check the Weather
The single best thing you can do to keep yourself safe when driving in the winter is check the weather early and often. Be especially cautious if there are winter storm watches or warnings in your area, but be mindful of anything worse than clear skies. Many local weather services will have a notice of ice conditions on the road, especially in the morning, when roads may have iced over overnight. If conditions are expected to worsen significantly while you are out, consider rescheduling the trip.
Be sure you are aware of alternate paths in case one road becomes blocked due to an accident or other impediment, and let someone know when you are leaving and the path you intend to take in case of an emergency where you are unable to contact anyone by phone.
Check your Speed
Posted speed limits are set under the assumption of ideal conditions, and are too fast for safe driving in difficult conditions. In the winter, ideal conditions will be rare. Slick roads will cause your stopping distance and your chance of skidding to increase, and slowing down is the best way to combat this. Be especially gradual in your braking, acceleration, and steering for the same reason.
Be sure your stopping distance never exceeds the visible distance ahead of you, and begin slowing down for traffic and intersections earlier than you normally would, as an invisible patch of ice ahead can easily send you far past your intended stopping point. Brakes are less reliable overall in slippery conditions, so rely on a slow deceleration without hard braking. For the same reason, try and avoid braking on curves: your wheels will not grip as well when locked, and if the road is slick, the car may slide outward off the road or into oncoming traffic.
Even if the road looks clear, be very mindful of bridges, overpasses, or even especially forested areas. The decreased sunlight these locations are exposed to could mean that large patches of ice remain on the road after it has melted everywhere else.
If worst comes to worst and you find yourself stuck in snow, avoid gunning the engine: your tires will simply dig the rut in further and make it harder to get out. Instead, alternate moving forward and in reverse to try and widen the area you have to move and eventually build the momentum to escape. If unsuccessful, try and use a shovel to dig yourself out – or hope for friendly passerby! If you drive conservatively and defensively and take proper precautions, you should be able to avoid this unfortunate situation all winter long.

AUTHOR: David Young works for Car Accessories Plus, enjoying a quieter life after spending most of his years on a hard floor underneath vehicles the world over.